


it takes time (it's hard)

by warofthefoxes



Series: breakage [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-08-03 00:48:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16315913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warofthefoxes/pseuds/warofthefoxes
Summary: they don't teach about second chances in the university. mark has to realize this on his own time.





	it takes time (it's hard)

**Author's Note:**

> this is mark's side of the story that nobody asked for or needs but i wrote anyways,, 
> 
> if you haven't read the first part, it's right [ here ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16274093)!

there is no consolation for the one who does the breaking. mark finds it out the hard way waking up on jaehyun’s couch, too small to fit his body, his shirt sticking to his back from all the sweat, and his head feeling like it’s splitting in two. if he focuses hard enough, he could hear jaehyun over the kitchen, talking to someone on the phone.

 

_he came over miserable and drunk._

 

and mark doesn’t want to hear the rest of it. it’s not like that could change anything. he’s not miserable and drunk now. he’s miserable and with a hangover, looking for his phone only to come up with the realization that there will be no good morning messages with a lot of hearts all over waiting to be read for him now.

 

there is no consolation for the one who does the breaking. mark finally tries to get up and let jaehyun know his existence. he’s thrown a bottle of water that he downs in no time.

 

“hyuck and i broke up.” he announces to jaehyun, feeling like shit the moment he said it.

 

“ah. kinda figured that one out.” jaehyun says to him, picking an apple and biting into it. “what did you do this time?”

 

what did he do? mark wants to laugh at that. what did he NOT do. let’s see, he got into his lecture heard his professor go on about happiness in relationships and keeping that together and the next thing he knows he’s stepping out of the class with 30 minutes still on the clock, he’s running to his car, driving far and out of the university. the next thing he knows he’s sending a text to donghyuck that he’ll be coming earlier than the usual friday time, making him hope for something else. the next thing he knows he’s saying the words ‘let’s break up’ and donghyuck lets out a chuckle, pushes his shoulder and tells him he saw all of this coming, glad that he didn’t have to be the bad guy before storming off back to his house, leaving mark standing there in the front yard wanting to take the words back but couldn’t. the next thing he knows he’s on a college party, drinking more than he normally allows himself to, more than that it’s enough to drown out his feelings, and not hear donghyuck’s voice ringing to his ear, telling him he loves him even if he’s stupid when he calls him after a night of drinking asking for hugs and kisses. the next thing he knows he’s knocking on jaehyun’s apartment because he can’t drive himself back home that drunk. tell him, mark pleads, what did he not do?

 

“every single _fucking_ thing.” he finally replies to jaehyun’s question, too late, jaehyun already done eating his apple.

 

“i made you some breakfast. go eat first before you wallow in your heartbreak.” he tells him and mark does eat the breakfast only to vomit it after.

 

there is no consolation for the one who does the breaking. mark doesn’t deserve any of it.

 

once jaehyun has made sure he’s sobered enough to drive back to his place, mark sets off. he belatedly realizes he’s missed his make-up class for a subject that counts attendance that day at 7. there’s a requirement sitting on his laptop’s desktop that the chairman of the org he’s applying to kindly asked that he hasn’t sent and was due last midnight. he grabbed his phone and almost, _almost_ clicked the name of the boy, to rant about how he’s being careless, this isn’t usually him, when he remembered.

 

mark reaches home and gets greeted by his mom with a smile. mark usually isn’t home during friday nights for completely different reasons why he’s out last night but his mom didn’t have to know that so he gets away without any questions. he comes back to his room only to be faced with his hoodie that donghyuck wore all day even though it was hot the last time he came over, lying on his bed and mark allows himself to wear it, just for tonight, and imagine he’s being hugged by donghyuck, as he sleeps the heartbreak for the rest of the day.

 

mark likes to believe his coping mechanisms are healthy when he picks up a part-time job at the university library on top of his already busy time table. he remembers sending out an application last month after he and donghyuck talked about going to japan for vacation. now he doesn’t have a need for the extra money but the job is here for him to take and he could use more duties to keep his mind away from the truth that it’s been a week and he’s still not okay and won’t be for awhile.

 

sicheng comes over there to see him on his first day and mark is grateful.

 

“how are you and donghyuck doing?” sicheng asks while he’s checking out the books the older is trying to borrow.

 

“we’re ..” mark catches that one of the books is ‘hollow city’, the sequel to that one book where the movie they last saw together was adapted from, that sequel that he promised donghyuck to read so mark can tell him all that happens after the movie. mark didn’t even like reading dark fantasy. “not okay.” he finishes his reply with a half truth. “can we talk about something else?”

 

mark finishes his org application the next weekend but he really couldn’t bring himself to celebrate any of it. _party pooper_ yuta, one of the organization’s higher ups tells him when he declined the shot of vodka offered to him for the fifth time that night. so after a while of just being there, he finally excuses himself to go home, telling everyone he has a midterm for his speech class that he has to study for. everyone kindly bidding him goodbye and reminding him to drive safely.

 

mark does have a midterm but he didn’t have to study. he already covered everything they’ve discussed twice and he’s also read additional materials just in case it comes up even though he’s pretty sure it wouldn’t. all he does these days is wake up, go to his classes, work part time on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, then study at home or by the cafe close to the university, go home and sleep, or barely sleep but just stare at his room’s ceiling for hours long until it’s sunrise because mark can’t sleep that well these days even with all the exhaustion.

 

he knows he looks worse for wear when he orders jaemin’s dirty disgusting americano and the barista doesn’t question it. daniel, his lab partner, even comes after him one time right after the lecture ended to ask if he needed a ride because “dude, you look like you’re gonna faint and i don’t wanna do the lab finals alone if you get into an accident.” his words, not mark’s.

 

sicheng still comes over to hang out in the library and let mark talk. their conversations always starting with a different topic, sometimes about the weather, sometimes about their other friends or their classes, but always ending with a story about donghyuck - how hyuck was thinking about taking performing arts next year for college; how hyuck made a dumb song one time to help him memorize the parts of the animal cell for his quiz in bio and his lecturer caught him humming to it and asked him share it to the rest of the class after; how hyuck had gotten mad at him for sleeping in the middle of watching sing street on their usual friday nights telling him ‘no wonder my brothers look up to you. all you do is sleep on me every friday.’ donghyuck, donghyuck, donghyuck and sicheng didn’t have a heart to tell him to stop, and answer his question because it’s the closest to happy mark has been for the duration of the time since he’s visited him in the library.

 

it takes a month for his mom to ask about donghyuck and it happens when she was baking brownies, donghyuck’s favorite.

 

“it’s been long since duckie came over. why don’t you bring him home today, i baked his favorite.” she tells mark while he’s having breakfast before his 8 am.

 

mark tries not to choke on his food at that. he clears up his throat to say “he’s busy. he’s got his first solo coming up.” donghyuck does have one. he remembers him calling in the middle of his lecture to tell him that, making all the annoyed faces his classmates threw at him when his phone rang worth it. mark doesn’t think twice before offering “i could bring him some if you want.” not planning how he’s going to do exactly that.

 

in the end, mark decides to call jeno to give him the brownies.

 

“mark hyung! why did you come? aren’t you busy?” jeno asks him once he’s arrived at his doorstep.

 

he doesn’t answer but just gives jeno the box of brownies. “my mom baked some brownies for … “ he pauses before saying his name “for hyuck, but don’t tell him it’s from her. just say your mom baked them or something.”

 

jeno looks at him with a frown and after a long pause, he tells him “you still love him.” he tells mark like mark doesn’t know. like mark doesn’t hear his mind telling him that over and over at night when he can’t sleep.

 

“it’s okay.” he tells jeno because he wants to believe it is. he wants to believe that it will be. at one point, maybe not now but some time in the after.

 

“you’re not.” jeno says to him and he could only give him a small smile before leaving, driving off to his class.

 

(“wait, jeno this tastes like his mom’s brownies.” donghyuck says after a bite and jeno tries to lie for mark. he promised him he wouldn’t say anything.

“huh? maybe my mom asked for her recipe.”

“your mom doesn’t even know how to bake.” jaemin tells everyone but donghyuck didn’t mind him, just took one more piece before saying “maybe she learned how. it’s not impossible.”)

 

mark’s brother comes back home at the end of the month and the first thing he asks him when he knocks on his door is “is something up with you and donghyuck?”

 

and it’s always the first question every one of his friends had asked him when they see him during the past month - doyoung when he came over to ask for help on his maths, taeyong when he came late one time for his shift in the library, johnny when mark came over to crash at his on one friday night because he’s afraid his mom would ask him why he’s home instead of being at donghyuck’s place, cuddled up in sheets, with a movie that he only takes half of his mind on, the other spent looking and admiring donghyuck’s face and all his every little reaction. are you and donghyuck okay? did you and donghyuck get into a fight again? is donghyuck not talking to you once more?

 

the same thing that happened years ago when he and donghyuck finally made it official. his big smiles and casual singing and eternal good mood met with the questions “let me guess, donghyuck said yes right?” “you and donghyuck are together now?” “it took you guys so long but it’s official now?”

 

that mark’s extremes of emotions are always gonna be associated with that shining boy and his golden skin. that donghyuck is the only one who’s able to make mark the happiest and the saddest person in the world.

 

“i broke up with him.” he tells his brother once he’s seated on his bed.

 

“then why do you look like he’s the one who broke up with you? mom said you don’t laugh as much anymore. and dad even noticed you don’t play anything aside from that punk rock cd and i know you don’t like listening to that at all.” his brother shares and mark didn’t even realize he’s been doing all of that. he’s been trying to keep it to himself because he knows his mom would be disappointed in knowing donghyuck wouldn’t come over to visit her anymore and help her do her nails and eat her brownies.

 

“because i love him.” mark says even though it doesn’t really answer his hyung’s question.

 

“then why don’t you ask for him to take you back?”

 

and sometimes, if he’ll be honest, mark lets himself wonder what if he does that. ask for donghyuck one more time. but before he even gets enough courage to do so he reminds himself that no, he’s the bad guy and bad guys don’t deserve it. there’s no consolation for the ones who do the breaking. just self-damage until there’s nothing left of him to break.

 

mark thinks he sees donghyuck in flesh once while he was in a mall waiting for his mom to finish shopping. he could tell it was him, that’s the back of his head and mark would know but when he finally decides to look and confirm if it’s really him, the possibly donghyuck guy is gone and even when he calls out his name loud, no one turns back to him and gives him a warm smile, one that he thinks could rival the sun.

 

so mark goes to a party. college never runs out of it. he’s gotten the results of all his midterms back and maybe he could’ve done better with one or two of them but it’s fine. he could enjoy and treat himself for awhile. he drinks and tries to dance with everyone in the party, coming up to yukhei on the bar once he spots him to greet him hello.

 

“how’s donghyuck?” he asks over the loud bass-boosted music.

 

and drunk mark really doesn’t think about his words twice carefully, saying “i miss him” to yukhei’s question and as if it isn’t enough he screams it again to everyone in the room “i miss donghyuck.” again. “i miss him very much.”

 

yukhei laughing at him and advising him something because he doesn’t have a clue. “text him bro, tell that to him not to me!” the night winding down in mark’s periphery.

 

mark wakes up in a couch, only this time he knows it’s his living room’s and not jaehyun’s like last time. his head is pounding and he sees his mom come close to him with what seems like a hangover soup and a glass of water.

 

“how did i get home?” he asks his mom as she helps him get up from the couch.

 

“your friend, yukhei? he brought you home here last night.” she tells him to eat the rest of the soup and that she’s gonna get the bath ready because mark should need it after. he smells like alcohol and weed and sweat all mixed in one. he’s glad his mom didn’t ask any more questions.

 

he looks for his phone to thank yukhei when he sees a notification for ‘failed to send messages’ on his screen. all of them for ‘beloved donghyuckie’.

 

mark opens it to see 12 different variations of i miss you, 10 of them spelled wrong, was sent by him although it never really got over. all of the messages with an exclamation point on the left side to indicate that they didn’t send over. the house where the party was last night had bad cellular coverage and he sighs at that. he couldn’t send that to donghyuck. he shouldn’t or he’d make him sad again. always making him sad while they were together when mark can’t pick him up or visit him home or go on dates with him. he shouldn’t make him sad now that they aren’t together because mark got pissed drunk missing him that he tried to send it over so donghyuck can ponder it over and maybe take him back.

 

his mom calls him over to take the bath and mark does so, his mind wandering back to the texts he tried to send over and feeling guilty that he wishes even one of the twelve did. his mind wanders back to the texts even after the bath, as he dresses into something clean and comfortable, even after during lunch and when he’s watching tv with his parents, even after when he’s trying to wash the dishes, breaking the plate he’s washing and not feeling the blood flowing out of his little wound until his mom freaks out about it.

 

“what’s on your mind minhyung-ah?” his mom asks him using that name.

 

mark hasn’t cried about it because he doesn’t deserve to. he told himself as a rule that he can’t cry, especially not in front of his mom, but with her mending his wounded hand carefully, with her calling him minhyung-ah like she used to when he was younger, he can’t help but let himself feel like a child, let the tears flow down.

 

once he’s stopped crying and his mom had finished bandaging his hand. mark finally gets enough courage to speak.

 

“hypothetically” he starts, not wanting to tell his mom directly but also needing her advice “if donghyuck and i broke up because i was being stupid, do you think he’ll take me back as his again?” mark asks, the last part as a whisper but enough for her mom to hear.

 

“if i come to his door with an apology and tell him how stupid i’ve become. do you think he will?” he asks again, this time louder looking at her. “hypothetically.” he adds even when he’s sure his mom knows now.

 

his mom smiles at him, holds his cheek, and tells him “i think that if there’s anything with the kind of love that you and donghyuck have deserves, it’s a second chance to try again.”

 

“i don’t know if donghyuck will take you back, but we both wouldn’t know unless you tried to ask right?” she tells him softly, with so much care in her words. and something finally clicks inside mark’s brain. some little hope that he could make things right again if he tries.

 

“hypothetically?” mark asks his mom before he stands up to grab his phone and send a single text.

 

“hypothetically.”

 

 

when he heard hyuck tell him he was always happy with him the night at the park when he finally asked for the other to take him back, mark could only wish it didn’t take him the whole night and half the morning of the next day after he wounded his hand to send that short message.

 

“what happened to your hand?” donghyuck asks him when his tears have dried up and they are in bed, ready to sleep.

 

“i was washing the dishes.” he tells him simply. _i missed you so much, i didn’t know what i was doing._ mark saves it for next time. he has a lot of things saved up for donghyuck to hear.

 

“ahh look at that. how can you live without me?”

 

and mark doesn’t try to say anything to that. he’s right. what will he do without donghyuck?

 

mark goes to his first lecture class on a monday morning after spending the weekend with donghyuck, catching up with each other, spending their much needed time together, with a smile. if he closes his eyes, he could still hear donghyuck telling him he loves him the most.

 

mark sees yukhei in his lecture, finally giving him the thanks he owes his friend for dealing with his drunk ass.

 

“it’s okay! you don’t have to worry. i should be the one who’s sorry.” yukhei tells him in earnest. mark doesn’t get why he’s sorry.

 

“you asked me to bring you donghyuck but i didn’t know where he lived. don’t you remember that?”

 

he sees jaehyun walk towards him, talking on the phone with someone and he hears the other say “yeah. he’s here and he looks weird but happy.”

 

and yes, mark is happy, so so happy.

**Author's Note:**

> if it means anything, writing this hurt me too


End file.
